Category: Let's talk
Does anybody out there have suggestions for a blind college student who wants to date? It's hard to tell if anyone is interested in me, because I can't see if people are looking at me or not. Sometimes I feel like just being blind scares away any potential men. I've been trying online dating lately, but it's kind of scary. Plus, it seems like the guys on the dating sites are only looking for a quick hook up. I want the real thing.
Join a group of some kind you like.
Go hang out at the student union, and strike up conversations with other girls, if you can.
The other girls can help you locate the guys.
Go to the sporting events, or other events the college is hosting, and talk to people that are near you. Just say hi.
On the online dating sites, make your profile interesting, and meet the men on campus, or at a coffee shop, place to eat or drink, you are easy getting to and from.
You don't want to have to have him help you get to your meeting, you'll want to do this so you can leave the first, and even second or 3rd meetings on your own power. One of your new friends can help with that too, if you don't travel well.
Sure, maybe they want to hook up as you say, and finding the real thing might require some hooking up, but do it in a manner that makes you comfortable.
Have a hobby? Locate a group on campus that has your interest.
In my opinion, it is a fact that people shy away for us, so you have to make yourself interesting, so they see other things about you than you are blind.
Have fun, and stop looking so hard for the real thing, but some people, friends, and in that way you'll talk to more people about you, instead of, I need a man. Smile.
Interesting people get interest.
Good advice me thinks.
Yep, all good ideas. Just remember that, for the most part, what you're looking for will find you when you're not searching for it. Focus more on getting yourself out there, socially speaking, in general. The more friends you have, the more you go out and make yourself visible, the more chances you'll have to meet potential partners. And take things slow; don't give people the impression you're searching really really hard or they may shy away. Focus on having a good time. College is fun!
I can relate to that. It doesn't help that I'm very much an introverted person.O I love to get out of the house and have fun but I'm not a fan of sports or things like that and I don't like big crowds of people, mainly because it can make it hard to talk to someone. I too have tried the online dating thhing and, while I have no doubt it can and does work for some people I've had to accept that it's obviously not for me. It's hard when your blind because A, youcan't see pics and so you don't necessarily know whether the pics you put up are actually of you or if they're interesting enough to catch someone's eye. Not oly that but as with job searching it's hard to know when you should reveal the fact of your blindness. I usually put it right there on my profile but A. most of the people who contacted me either didn't read the damn thing or were spam bots posing as interested women. Whatever the case they asked me questions the answers to which would have been found in my profile. The problem is that if you state on your page that you're blind you may not get any responses but if you don't then a lot of women get mad because you didn't state that you were blind on your page.
Hi,
There's some good advice here. In the past I tried online dating and was reasonably successful in getting dates and even had a couple of long term relationships out of it. I did meet my wife online, though ironically not on a dating site.
I always used to put up front on my profile that I was blind. While that no doubt reduced the number of responses, it really is quite a big thing not to disclose right away and risks leading to recriminations further down the line otherwise. Funnily enough I don't always declare it when I apply for jobs unless the job involves some sort of psychometric testing and I need a reasonable adjustment, I guess because employers theoretically at least can't discriminate so don't need to know up front.
I'd echo what others said about not trying too hard and getting involved in college activities, college is a great place to meet people for friendship and more. The only other thing I would say about online dating in particular is that it's always a good idea to tell friends and family members who you're meeting and where you're going, assuming of course that they don't have an impish disposition and will turn up to embarrass you. Most online dating sites will suggest you do this anyway.
In terms of uploading photos, I always asked a friend to look at mine to see how it looks to someone else.
Hi, I honestly like Forereels post. I think if you get out there and find people things will happen. While I am still in high school, I found my local boyfriends by hanging out with friends, meeting mutual friends, football games, joining track, many things like that. You just have to put yourself on the spot. I am a very shy person, but with friends, I can definitely get out there and do the things I mentioned above. If your like me, I suggest grabbing friends and doing the same, nothing is better then to have a group of people you feel comfortable with.
Yep, I found my partner online, but not on a dating site, as well. :) Man, meeting him for the first time was scary, but so, so amazing. Best kind of nerves to have, though, and it worked out really well for me.
On a dating sight, I say put the fact you are blind in your profile.
Make it fun, like, "I'm blind, but I've got other ways to see you."
No, it probably won't get read, but you did put it there.
A lady once told me that women look at the picture, age, and if they can find it, occupation. That is it.
Now, you could live in bump town jack ville, some place they would never go, but that doesn't matter. Lol I guess it is a numbers game with online dating. The more people you talk to, the better your chances get. It is real work, if you do it right.
If I wanted to know my picture was good, I'd pay a photographer or a glammer shop to do one for me.
The people that love you already think you look great, so will show your buck teeth, nappy hair, and the dirt on your nose they didn't tell you was there. JK, but seriously, they'll not be as critical, if that matters to you.
Online dating is okay, but at the same time, considering your other option as well. Don't let your blindness become an excuse/reason for you not able to date. List down some attributes you have as a person, not as a blind person, and what what sort of attributes you want from your pertential partner.
Also, what makes you want to date, is that because of loneliness, because that is what others do in your age, sexual reason, or other reason.
College is a great place to meet people, only if you are not limiting yourself as "I'm a blind person, therefore i can't... and people will..." that kind of mindset.
If go for online dating, be upfront with your disability. However, also, show your personality. e.g. I'm such and such, i like so and so, such and such. however, i'm also blind. But, at the same time, i attending college, persuing such and such in my life.
If you go,
Hi, i'm such and such, and i'm blind. I do't go out much, because my blindness, and i use the cane, i have a guidedog. Whenever i go out i'm very aware of where i'm going, because i'm blind. i don't have much friend because i'm blind so on and on. That, will, put people off rapitly.
Treat dating site as no different to job seeking sites. you need to show your best, your personality, your inuqueness, not your weaknesses. People will attract to your person, not your disability.
However, first at all, i think, it is quite important to understand and answer the question as to why you want to date, then, you will find other answer from it.
Good luck
Thanks all for your words of advice. By the way, to you people who met your spouse online but not on a dating site, where did you meet him or her? It would be nice to know where I should be going. As for going to campus events, I am not terribly excited about attending most of the events on campus, other than the few events hosted by the Disability services office. I also try to attend all of the programs hosted by my apartment building in student housing. I'll be getting a Guide Dog soon, so hopefully that will help make me more noticeable.
No, no. Smile Joanne just spent time telling you not to concentrate on the blind, but you.
Don't only go to the events sponsored by the disabled department, they already know you.
Your dog is your guide, not your hair do. Smile.
You say you don't like the events, but I'll bet you have things you like some of these events could match.
Do you like to read, like music, maybe you like to cook, or are interested in politics?
You want notice, dress well, get your hair done, smile, say hello to the people you pass.
Where you want to be going to meet people is exactly where you go, to classes, walking on the campus, and smiling, saying hello.
Showing up it the local beer hall, or eating place for a coffee, or soda.
Study in open places, so you are seen.
If you play something, play it on the campus green, like your guitar.
When you are having fun people want to talk to you.
lots of people think getting a guidedog will allow them to be noticable, and will find pertential partner that way. Well, let me ask you, you want to date someone who interest in you because of you, or because of your dog. and, what is the reason for you to get a guidedog, to get attractive to other people? trust me, those attention and attraction that you may have with your dog is not what you want in the long run.
For me, i often avoid anything to do with events that organize by the disability services people, or by any disability service group.
I like to know by who i am, not by my disability. I certainly do not want to keep myself in my disability group, or community.
As far as where you can meet people online instead of dating site, well, zone for example is a tool. Skype, Facebook, even twitter.
I feel you're desperet in this matter. and that is something need to be aware of. Sometime, because of desperet, you can make some wrong decision, or you may not able to think right.
If you at college, i assume you around the 18/20 years old mark. Well, the world is in front of you. You should really, enjoying every moment you have at the college, make as many people as you can, and really, dating will come naturally.
To answer your question, I met Shepherdwolf right here on the zone. We're not married yet, but we do have something really special.
Also, going to events for the disabled is not a bad thing, but it shouldn't be the only events.
Blind, or disabiled is what you must be, not who you are.
It is like being a black girl, 5 foot 3 inches tall, brown eyes, about 120 LBS. That is what she must be.
Now who she is depends. She could be smart, not to bright. She could be funny, or boring. She could remain fit, and keep herself that way, or allow herself to gain weight.
She has interest, reading, horse raising and training. Maybe she can cook well, so is a sheff.
Unless you get medically altered or something, you can't change being blind, but it is not what you are.
All great advice guys. Wayne, you make a lot of awesome points here. I also met my partner online but not on a dating sight...Like meglet, I met my partner on here. lol. But Wen it comes to college dating, like everyone said, try to find some people you can identify with. If you're an introvert, find a group of people you click with and try to remain tight with them. A small group is still a group, and a lot of fun can be had if you go places together.
I have to say one thing though: Wayne said that sometimes you need to hook up to get to the real thing...I don't want you to take that the wrong way, because I, like you wasn't interested in a lot of casual dating. I wasn't interested in hooking up sexually, not because I'm a prude, but because that just wasn't my thing. And thats' ok. It doesn't have to be your thing, and you don't have to make it your ting in order to find someone who can be a partner longterm. It's not advisable to take up a serious relationship with the first person you're interested, but you also dont' need to hop into bed with someone just because that's the only way to get to know them.
You can find what you're looking for by dating minimally if that's what you want, but do get out and get to know people. Talk, even flirt...Just do what you're comfortable doing with someone on on one, and dont' let anyone persuade you to do any more than you set out to do.
That's why I for one sometimes like to go out to a bar and sing Karaoke. You don't even have to drink (I don't), despite what your peers might tell you sometimes. Just get up with the mic and sing a few songs you like. Then maybe try and strike up a conversation with some people that seem interesting. And even if you don't meet someone worth dating right away you might just makesome new best friends and throug them perhaps even meet someone you have a real connection with. I myself have plans to go out to a favorite haunt this weekend as a sort of late birthday present and, while I don't expect to meet my next girlfriend there I also won't rule out that possibility.
Wayne and Bernadetta, awesome points! I would also say to be very careful online, especially in dating sights because some people are not honest. But like wayne said you must ,be yourself... good luck. ^_^
i disagree that you need to hook out to get the real thing. that is definitely not in my vallues and i'm not going to change that either. It is quite okay if i'm attracted to someone, or someone attracted to me, we have mutural attraction, and decided to take it further when the time come, but i don't believe that come and try, if you like it buy it, if not leave it that type of concept. I, like RightAWay does not believe in casual sex. for me, to date someone is more than just good sex, or badd sex.
Or, perhaps, how average female population view sex differently from how men viewing sex.
Join some clubs or societies at the college. often that is a good starting point to meet with people that have same similar interest like you. In those group, everyone are as equal as each other, but yet as unique as individual.
I stand by the general rule that if he/she really is interested in you, he/she will wait until you're comfortable before doing anything sexual. This might be in a week, in a month, in a year, whatever it is that your comfort zone allows for. I'm not suggesting that leading a person on is okay, but I don't think you should compromise your comfort levels, sexually speaking, just because someone else won't wait. Nothing at all wrong with hooking up before embarking on a more serious relationship, but as Bernadetta said, it's not the only way.
I agree. And hooking up doesn't always have to mean sex. Most people don't find the right one the first time. I certainly didn't.
I met my wife on-line, and it was on an e-mail list. Thing is, at the start when we were just getting acquainted, we didn't think we'd wind up dating each other, but eventually we started thinking of ourselves as a couple. This was a long-distance relationship to start with. Also, she's as blind as I am, although that wasn't the only thing we had in common, not by any means. So I say keep your options open.
I think as usual Cody makes a lot of sense. Face it, blind, sighted or 3-legged toadstool, you really are usually somewhat nervous when doing traditional dating. Men are nervous about if they are going to be good enough to get picked, and women are nervous about whether the guy is gonna meet standard and all. this is a generalization but nonetheless bear out to be statistically true, with of course the requisite exceptions. The way to kill that is to go do things with people you have things in common with. Or just go out to general young person activities like white water rafting and the like.
Then again when you do meet up with someone and you both want to check each other out, you and they don't really have to spend a lot of money. Most city parks are great places to go walk and just get to know one another. Hell, when the wife and I were dating, she was working at a Headstart program with some extra challenges, so was pretty worn out on weekends, physically and otherwise. But we'd go to the park, find a tree, she'd lay down and I might play a instrument of mine something soft not trying to be a star or anything but she would then be able to drift off or just chill. Just saying you don't have to do the traditional anything.
And, even though of the two of us, I happened to be the one who did more cooking at the beginning, well, we would do some of that together: just making up a stir fry which trust me is easier with two people than just one. Then you get to know each other by working together, not the artificial back-and-forth of traditional dates. Then there's the kinds of experiences where you really get to know someone: when they're going through things. The wife, for instance, had to testify at a murder trial of one of her students who was killed. A *MURDER* TRIAL. And, well, no insult intended, she comes from a middle class white family of teachers, not a bunch of gang types, so wasn't really cut out for this. Like who is, anyway? But I saw how brave she was, well to me she seemed brave, seeing as I have never before or since seen someone go through something like that. And for her part she had the chance, albeit under bad circumstances, to see if I was anything for being a support. It started then I realized I just wanted to support her period end of story, which is kinda how things have been since. Anyway not to hijack this thread but just to say most of what we got with each other was quite a bit outside of the typical treadmill of the dating game / chooser with standards and hopes-to-be-chosen.
There's probably people like us everywhere, only ours isn't the kind of relationships which finance the huge corporate games behind traditional dates and traditional banter and all that nonsense. I dare say it's a lot more fun this way, too.
Oh, sorry. I didn't mean sexually hooking up. I mean she needs to hookup and date some. Go to a movie, dinner, I don't know.
It doesn't have to be sexual, but she has to date/hookup, without the expectation that this guy she's spending time with is the one.
Sorry, I should have said so.
Now, is you feel easy, and wish to, hook up sexually, I personally don't have a problem with that either.
How many sexual partners a lady has, doesn't make her a slut, as in popular belief.
If men aren't hooking up with women, they are hooking up with men, so I feel strongly, it is unfair, and a double standard to judge a women't wife worthiness, buy how soon she goes to bed with you.
The man that does that is dumb. He went to bed with her, so how does this not make him a poor husband choice?
I hate that shit. "well, she let me have sex on the second date, so I couldn't possibly take her seriously?" Sick!
Okay, rant over.
Good luck.
I forgot, that is why I say you have to be under your own power to leave the first, second, and maybe even the third meeting. That meeting is to learn if you can trust yourself to go someplace he takes you, just you and him.
Of course, you still need your support team, if you don't travel well. Your support team knows where you are, has a time you'll be back, and has a time you'll call to say you are okay, and have decided to stay longer.
If you travel well, you already know how to get up and go if things aren't working out.
Just be yourself. Be outgoing and personable to the extent you feel comfortable but try to make girlfriends who can help you find dates. Like someone says it may very well come to you when you don't expect it rather than you going after it. My husband to be met me and asked me to date and that was over 20 years ago and we still have each other. He is totally sighted.
That's sort of the point though. Most people when the hear the phrase "hook up" seem to think only of the sexual connotation.
Guys, brian is correct. Hooking up, it today's youth's minds means "have sex casually".. thanks for clarifying wayne.
Leo, thaks for yoru last post, honestly. Your message hit home personally for me, because my partner and I never really had the traditional dating thing going. And sometimes I've wondered if I should feel like I missed out on that sort of thing. Like we might be missing something because we didn't really do the traditional dinner and a movie thing...We went through a lot as a couple and individually too, before we began seriously dating and even during the beginning of the relationship, and I think our support and dedication toward each other was defined by some of that rather than the traditional thing that everyone always seems to bring forth when mentioning a successful relationship. We do the date night thing these days, though, and that's fun, but I dont' think you could really get to know a person, what they're like, on a little date week after week or what have you. So thanks for sharing, because now I know we weren't the only ones without the traditional date thing going on.
Shepherdwolf and I, when we did meet up the first time, did not go out on a series of dinners and movies and suchlike. In fact, we went camping. And, while we couldn't be said to be "roughing it", camping is definitely the kind of activity that lets you get to know someone really, really well. It's close quarters, and there's a lot of down time. But we both really enjoyed it. We've since done the going-out-for-a-nice-dinner shtick, and while we both enjoy it, we get more out of lying in bed playing a silly word association game and trying to trip each other up, or cuddling while reading an audio book, or any other ordinary, low-key thing we can think of to do. Traditional dating is okay, and it works (otherwise people wouldn't keep doing it) but there are alternatives that are just as fun and just as effective.
Oh yeah, since Sabrena and I were long-distance, it was easier for me to take the Greyhound up and visit her, usually once a year between Christmas and New Year's Eve, so since neither of us were working we had lots of time to just do things right in the house, so we'd cuddle on the couch or floor listening to old radio shows or whatever. We try to go on date nights or days now and then, even if it's for a coffee or a fast food lunch but we just got to know each other by hanging out and also when we were apart we'd have e-mail and talk on the phone once a week.
I say a date is defind when you are doing something together. That is a date to me.
What that thing is, depends on the people involved.
The date, for me decides if you've got interest, like that camping.
Nothing wrong with any of it, just so you remember to do it even after you have connected and live with each other.
Yes, I do know hooking up means sex, and sex might come in to the situation. But I don't say she's got to hook up with them all, just to have a date.
I didn't know it always meant sex, but well, if I were looking for that in another relationship a certain Chick would be immediately and justifiably upset.
Bernadetta I understand, people are so used to sizing each other up on the traditional date situations: is he paying for a expensive enough place? Is she pretty enough? It really is a throwback to times before even Wayne and I were born, let alone you all. It's the common activities done together that really lets you get to know each other. And dates together for long-term relationships are important. Lol even if it's a drive to the store together and a spin through Dairy Queen.
Only if you have little kids, especially little ones, try and commit to each other not to talk parenting or the kids when you're out on a date night. Don't I know that one's a challenge! But well worth it if you can.
Exactly. My first x was all about the tradtional thing, albeit it had to be riggorously planned so that we'd spend as little time as possible out of the house and away from the TV or audiobooks. Granted I love watching TV and listening to audiobooks asmuch as ayone else but then you have things like going out for coffee or a nice little lunch or perhaps even an evening of Karaoke (the web sites that let you do this from home aren't blind friendly as far as I'm concerned). Myx, however would want to get our food or drinks to go and get back to the apartment as quickly as possible since in her words, "the more restrictions I place on myself the more freedom I have to do what I like."
To be fair, it is hard for anyone to find some guy who wants a more serious relationship in college. I'm not saying it's impossible, but you have to look harder. I myself am in college and I'm not looking for any immediate serious relationship. I prefer to take the casual dates as they come and whatever happens will. This is the mindset of many college dudes in their early 20's because of their priorities and wants, and yes there are also some who want sex and no lasting committed relationship. I hope this isn't discouraging, and I hope you are willing to try to go for the work that might be cut out for you.
I agree with Leo. I think the whole dating, or what Wayne consider as hook up out for movie or dinner thing is over rated. Dating is more than that, is beyond that. Dating for me is, to be there for someone during good and bad time, and yes, doing things that you will do nonrmally, like talking/chatting, walking, and bunch of other stuff too.
Having sex, watching movies, dining out is okay, but it does not give you the solert foundation to work as a couple.
I see love perhaps, is greater than just having sex, holding hands, kissy kissy cuddles huggles and that, is beyond all that, is supporting each other soul to soul.
Not that i disagree on movies, dinners, or such, just, i believe, there's more than that.
I'll take it all. The dinners, whatever. But it doesn't have to be that to be a date.
I love to dance, so lets not eat, lets dance. Lol
hooking up sexually doesn't have to happen, but if it does, it's just another way to get to know what you like, and don't, in life, yourself, and perhaps others. so, while I advocate doing what makes a person comfortable, I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with casually dating till you find what you like.